Privileged Rant & Negotiating Class- Don't Mind Me...

Well, it is the Wed before class and I have yet to receive my book in the mail that I am supposed to have read for tomorrows class. Not to mention that I haven't received my books for the next two weeks readings.

This frustrates my on a number of levels.

First, because I feel this was preventable.

Second, because I don't like procrastinating. Instead, I like to take time with my work, allowing time for reflection. And without such, a level of anxiety is present.

Third, I wish I had my book so I could take notes throughout, underline important things, and generally engage the process of active reading. This is also helpful to have when I return to books in the future.

And also, because I know there is an online version. But should I have to print that out (considering the cost of paper & toner on top of the purchase of the book & general stubbornness because I have a book in the mail)? or should I have to read it online (all 200+ pages) and deal with the negative impact that would certainly have on my eyes? (not to mention the fact that I can't actively read documents on the computer which hampers my learning- because we all learn differently- and for me I need that ability to underline, make notes in the margins, etc) I will be honest when I say, no I haven't printed it out- nor will I. But alas, I will have to read it online.

As with all college and graduate courses, there is most likely going to be books involved. And, it is typically up to the discretion of the Professor or instructor as to how the books will be involved. In our seminar the course & its readings are not static like most, instead because of the exploratory nature of our topic, Arguing Differently, there are tentative readings listed that we may or may not get to, and there are potentially others that aren't listed but if wanted could probably be included, and the students are allowed a voice in choosing the readings. This is a unique and almost radical way to structure a class and the related readings. In fact, a significant part of me really appreciates this approach and feels privileged to be part of such a critical pedagogical framework. So, I guess what I am wondering is how to negotiate the tensions that are arising in how to functionally engage this practice when accessibility to the resources becomes a problem. If books were free, or if they were at least available in the bookstore, or if i were more flexible and caved to renting from the library or reading them online (when available) tensions would seemingly be less. But, alas, tensions are present for me at this moment.

In higher education I feel as though class is one of those things that is always present but that isn't given as much attention as it should. For example, I am a now a graduate student who is climbing someones idea of a class ladder, but I am still financially ....how do you say....broke as shit. I take out loans to be here, I have past loans that hang over my head from my undergraduate and masters degrees, and I don't have a cushion. No safety net, no savings, and no parent or guardian who wants to or can (depending on which one) help me out financially beyond small contributions which can't be increased. Concurrently, I take a position as a GTA which affords me a tuition waiver, but pays me below the poverty line, and which combined with my course load creates limitation for seeking other work. So, here I am. Negotiating class. I have many privileges, for example: I get to work from home a lot (due to be a student and part time teacher), I can even wear my PJs while doing a lot of my work (when from home), I rent my own place, I am in school working on an awesome degree, I have great peers and mentors, and I have great friends and family.....la de da. etc etc etc. But shit man, I can't really express to you the level of frustration I feel when this is all I can come up with for a post because I couldn't afford to & didn't want to pay to express mail a book to me, nor did I honestly think it was necessary because I ordered it as soon as I found out we needed it (note: about a week in advance), and because I just kept putting off doing the readings online in hopes that my book would arrive.

So, here I am negotiating class, my own limitations, and my requirements as a student. All I guess I can ask of anyone who reads this is: Please excuse me for venting & don't mind me.